The Relationship Maintenance Hinge
BREAKUPS don’t just happen in marriages that go astray. Breakups also occur in all other types of relationships, which have some kind of pact (usually unwritten), like the saying “Never make me wrong, please”, “Either tell me about everything that unites us, or I will hurt you. “
Unfortunately, relationship breakups happen all the time, because one or both parties have been hurt too often. What is in focus here is any relationship in which we face another person for the ends of life: for friendship, for business, etc.
I will say it in advance. What we most need to be armed with, for the spread of health in all our relationships, is the mastery of the not-so-common APOLOGY. I say apologizing isn’t that common because while we can get involved in apologizing, for many reasons it doesn’t serve the purpose.
WHEN THE APOLOGY MEETS THE MARK
First let me say that I build on the fantastic work of Dr. Gary Chapman.
Second, I want to describe very briefly what the five apology languages are, and then third, I want to wrap them all up in an apology process, which we can take as the real hinge of relationship maintenance.
The five apology languages are:
1. Express regret: “I’m sorry” – When we speak this language, there is a real feeling of remorse. “I’m sorry” is heartfelt and sincere. Some people speak this language with conviction, and for some people, it’s all they need to hear.
2. Accepting Responsibility: “You know, I was wrong”: Not only are there the words, but accepting responsibility takes the apology process a bit more into the realm of diligence and acknowledgment of guilt.
3. Make restitution: “Now, that’s acknowledged, what can I do to correct it?” – the remorse has doomed a sense of responsibility, which in turn has doomed a feeling of wanting to change things to appease the person or situation. Making restitution is a powerful commitment to apologize to many people. Sometimes restitution can be so effective that it leads directly to restoration.
4. Real and genuine regret: “I’ll do everything I can to never do that again!” – Ah, the offer of security and the opportunity of confidence. The person who promises repentance knows that he is on a wing and in prayer. They walk lightly, having been convinced by the Spirit in them to take a different step from now on.
5. The request for forgiveness: “Would you please forgive me?” – so many apologies do not reach this level of seeking forgiveness from the injured parties. Think of the shining power of someone who has hurt us by being vulnerable in this way, when it is genuine.
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The apology is the hinge of maintaining the relationship. What’s more convincing than this: “I’m sorry. You know, I was wrong. Now, with that acknowledged, what can I do to make it right? I’ll do everything I can to never do that again, I can assure you.” Could you forgive me please? Think of the reconciling and restorative power in these words when backed up with action.
© 2013 SJ Wickham.