Twins turning ten: more than a double-digit year
Sharing a room and clothes, with not much else to call one’s own except two drawers of toys, three shelves of books, a toothbrush, shoes, a few gadgets, and other miscellaneous treasures (which I call “junk”), has become obsolete. for Jacob and Aaron Kagon. So to celebrate ten years, they each had separate birthday parties for the first time. Previously, mixed parties weren’t a problem, as we both had the same party theme and guest lists, and it never occurred to me or my husband to do anything different.
When planning this year’s big party, Aaron and Jacob couldn’t come to a mutual decision on how to celebrate. While engagement is an experience they know all too well, it was one she didn’t want them to have anymore for her birthday. Singles get the pleasure of being the total center of attention for their birthday, however for twins, being alone in the center of attention for their birthday is a strange notion. My husband and I have always strived to help children develop their unique strengths, from never dressing them the same to encouraging their pursuit of different interests to nurturing their individual talents. So why stop at your birthday?
Marking the change from a single-digit year to a double-digit year should be recognized not only as entering a new stage of development, but also as a further transformation in their own identities. Jacob savors that minute of the year at 12:05 am when he is not a twin since Aaron was born at 12:06. Jacob’s only regret is that he is always asleep at that singular moment. In his imagination, being awake to celebrate this magical moment would be amazing!
Since kindergarten, Jacob and Aaron have been in separate classes. This has helped minimize their competition academically and socially and has given them the opportunity to grow independently.
Their enthusiasm for each having their own party was like giving them a glimpse into single life for the first time. Each could invite twelve friends. Their guest lists had a few duplicates that showed how much their friendships have evolved on their own. Jacob’s party was the first and he had a James Bond movie marathon sleepover. Initially, Aaron didn’t realize that because Jacob’s party was his first, he would be opening the presents a week before him. Reluctantly, Aaron finally accepted this reality knowing that at his party, Jacob would have no presents to open. Aaron’s party was a whale-watching excursion, a more extravagant party than Jacob’s pizza and popcorn gathering.
Treating twins like children with the same needs is not a concept my husband and I have pursued in raising our children. They are answered on an individual basis based on their needs, which vary daily. Raising them as equals would not help them grow as individuals. Each child has their own unique needs in certain areas and less so in others. For example, for their birthdays, we don’t spend the same amount of money on each child. Last year we bought Aaron a used accordion because he wanted to learn to play the squeeze box while Jacob got a less expensive gift. This year, Jacob received an expensive video game gadget, while Aaron’s object of desire was significantly less expensive. So far (and fingers crossed), guys rarely complain or ask why one of them didn’t get the same treatment or money spent on them as the other.
The evolution of our children’s development mirrors mine. At first, I was relieved when it became apparent that I was having trouble getting pregnant. Having children was a life cycle event that my husband wanted more than I did. During Jacob and Aaron’s first year, what seemed like an impossible undertaking turned out to be simply difficult. Now, ten years later, I can’t imagine life without them. I savor our time together, even when I’m losing my mind with one or both of us. I have gladly made more sacrifices than I ever dreamed of for the sake of my children. Exotic vacations in faraway lands or room additions to the house may never come, and that’s just fine by me.
It was a huge leap for me to make the transition from reluctantly becoming a mother to embracing motherhood. And that I am the director of a non-profit child development organization baffles me. Ten years ago I was working in the health field and had zero interest in or knowledge of child development. I am now committed to helping parents face the challenges of parenthood and gain the confidence and skills to raise resilient children while coming to terms with their own fears of parenting.
Today, I see how different children are from each other and how radically different my emotions have been since I found out I was pregnant. From the shock of seeing twins on the ultrasound screen, to the anxiety of thirty days with the children in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit after their premature birth, to their tenth birthday and joining their exuberance at their birthday parties, we have all come into this double-digit year more than doubly wounded.