Dating success begins with a self-acceptance reality check

Many singles complain that the people they want as dating partners don’t necessarily want them. The most enlightened singles recognize that they have imperfections and limitations, but still want to be accepted despite them.

Unfortunately, many singles will make their personal preference lists their only criteria for selecting a life partner. As I frequently point out, the psychological literature indicates that people tend to say what they mean, and that the best way to predict someone’s behavior is by listening to what they say (and, by extension, what they write on their dating profiles on line). In light of this reality, I make sure to tell singles that they need to accept people at face value.

Even if you don’t agree with a 60-year-old man who wants a 20-year-old wife, or the 5’1″ woman who only wants to date men who are 5’8″ and taller, you have to accept the reality that neither two will change. Even if you think you might be their perfect match, you should ultimately take them at face value (believe they said what they meant) and move on.

However, looking at the big picture, I think today’s singles are uniquely challenged to constantly compare their dating and themselves to the stereotypes created by the media of who is considered desirable and acceptable and who is not.

So singles will ask, “Why am I so short? Why am I not younger? Why am I not richer? THEN I would make sure to find a wife/husband!” Those who ask these questions have unfortunately succumbed to the dictates of today’s society as to what is considered a desirable partner. Since they recognize that they don’t fit into this image created by the media, they have essentially labeled themselves “disabled.” And since they see themselves as having a disability, they conclude that they therefore have a “dating challenge”.

However, what it really boils down to is the inability to accept oneself as a whole, whole, unique human being, created by God, with various strengths and limitations. Instead, many singles still try to make themselves desirable to someone who has made it clear that you would never be acceptable, then blame them for being so rigid and stubborn in their standards.

Lack of self-acceptance will help explain why, for example, some singles lie on their online dating profiles: because they don’t accept themselves for who they are and see themselves as having

a dating disability, and she refuses to believe that not everyone will like her, she makes up for it by working harder to fit in with what she thinks is acceptable and desirable. Thus, they shave off a few (or many) pounds, or add a few inches in height, or embellish their occupational status.

What I am talking about can be very challenging for relationship oriented singles. Some have become so distraught over their perceived disabilities that they stop dating. Unfortunately, life doesn’t come with a guarantee that everyone will like you. If that is your expectation, then I would say that you are creating your own dating challenge. But the bottom line is this: if you are aware that someone doesn’t like you or love you, you shouldn’t blame them for it. The onus is on you to accept yourself for who you are, regardless.

I have a saying I use a lot: “Perseverance pays off. You just don’t know how long you’ll have to persevere.” I realize that when you get rejected for something you really can’t help, eg, your hairline, your calendar age, your height, you can feel flawed or disabled and want to give up. But because I believe so strongly in the power of human persistence, if you can say unambiguously, “this is important to me” and persevere, then you’ll give yourself a better chance to succeed.

Along with the knowledge that your goal is worth your efforts, the journey begins with self-acceptance. Without it, otherwise you will unfortunately have “dating challenges”.

© Copyright 2006 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.