Do men regret cheating on their spouse? Here are some signs to look for

I often hear from wives who wonder if their husband’s apparent pain over his infidelity is truly genuine. I often hear comments like, “My husband keeps repeating that he’s so sorry he cheated on me. And he sounds sincere, but I’m not sure I can believe all his words. He lied to me when he was cheating. Who’s to say he’s not lying to me now?” Another example is: “Do most men really regret cheating on their spouse? Do they understand the big mistake they have made? And, if they do feel it, does this mean they are less likely to cheat again?” I’ll do my best to explore and answer these questions in the next article.

Whether a man is truly sorry for cheating often depends on a few different factors: Generally speaking, most of the men I talk to are sorry for their infidelity. But usually I write about saving marriages after infidelity, so it makes sense that the men who seek me out are those who are very sincere about making things right again. Outraged husbands who blame their wives for cheating or who feel justified in doing so are often silent on the subject (at least as far as I’m concerned).

A man’s reaction and pain at his cheating will vary from person to person. Things like the reasons for his cheating, his personality, his maturity level, his moral compass, your perception of his reaction to cheating, and many other factors come into play.

Unrepentant husbands are usually the ones who justified cheating in their own minds by blaming someone else. These are the guys who will tell you that their wives never had time for them, didn’t understand them, or didn’t make the effort to keep things exciting in the relationship. (Interestingly, these same men rarely look at the role they played or what kind of spouse they were within the marriage. It’s easy to suspect that they certainly weren’t the perfect spouse, either.)

Sometimes there are cultural issues and social norms at play. In some extended families, cheating is considered perfectly acceptable and natural, so remorse and sadness are less likely to occur. In other words, the husband’s grandfather probably also cheated on his grandmother, and his father probably cheated on his mother, and so on. Also, sometimes a man’s friends will play a huge role in whether he cheats and if he repents. (And honestly, sometimes men in these situations have deep regrets, but aren’t willing to put this on display because they feel it helps their cause to remain outraged.)

On the other hand, the men who usually regret cheating are those men who have been trustworthy and faithful in the past. These are the guys who never intended to cheat, but made a single mistake that they never tried to repeat. In general, you can see his sincerity in his quick and decisive action and his willingness to take full responsibility for his actions. And many of them are very clear that they have learned their lesson and will never cheat again.

Signs that a husband is truly sorry for cheating on his spouse: As I mentioned before, some men will think that showing their remorse right away will make things worse for them. His reasoning is that as soon as he sees them acting dramatically and in a way that is not typical of them, he will immediately know that the situation is dire.

So they take a stand and see if they can convince him that his actions were justified. Many will try this at first to see if you are buying it. This doesn’t always mean you don’t feel it. It simply means that you are going to see if you can mitigate the damage and you are experimenting with the most effective way to do it. Sometimes you will have to be very direct and insist that you will not take any responsibility for their actions. As soon as he believes this, you will usually begin to feel more remorse.

Some men will show their genuine remorse early on because it’s really sincere and they don’t really care about damage control. Communicating that they are fully aware of their mistake is more important to them. These are the men who are willing to go to counseling or do “whatever it takes” to repair their marriage, make amends with their wife, and rebuild trust. They know this was all their mistake and they have no problem admitting it. For the most part, they also know that your trust and faith in them will be restored through a series of actions rather than words. Then most of them will go to work intuitively instead of continuing to talk without any decisive action.

And sometimes, you’ll get a combination of these two responses depending on your husband’s personality and situation at the time. Sometimes I have wives who tell me that they are not seeing the response or remorse they were expecting and therefore just assume their husband really isn’t that remorseful. However, when I contact that same husband, she will be quite shocked and insist that she is sorry beyond words.

That is why it is advisable not to make assumptions so that you have to go down and stop communicating. If you need something that you’re not seeing, the best thing to do is to approach her husband directly and give her a chance to make it better. That way, you’ll at least know that any fault on her part isn’t a misunderstanding.