The difference between speaking and communicating
Have you ever met someone who speaks English fluently but at the same time, doesn’t really speak your language? They don’t talk to you or for you as much as they talk to you, about you, and around you, in your general direction. They speak a language that is largely meaningless to you. Sure it’s English, but in general, it doesn’t make much sense. There is no connection, no real understanding, and the result of these conversations is often confusion, frustration, anger, or boredom.
Over the years I have employed hundreds of people in my businesses. And while I always look for a range of preferred qualities, attributes, and personality traits in a potential employee, the one non-negotiable skill that is always at the top of my shopping list is the ability to be able to communicate effectively. If someone meets all the requirements (academic, appearance, experience, knowledge) but doesn’t check the communication box, then they probably won’t get a job with me. The reality is that a person who is not a great communicator will not be a good coach (teacher, coach, mentor), unless of course he can find a way to develop those skills.
That’s the good news; These skills can be developed.
Without a doubt, communication is the most important skill in life, but surprisingly, most of us do not consciously work to develop it. Better communication equals better relationships, and better relationships equals a better life. So why wouldn’t we work on it?
Some of us make the same communication mistakes, often with the same people in the same situations for years. Whether at work, at home, in the classroom, in the supermarket, in church (temple, mosque), in life, in love, in conflict, our ability to communicate will invariably dictate the outcome of our conversation. most conversations, situations, circumstances and situations. experiences.
While we all speak English (readers of this site anyway), the reality is that we all have our own unique language. The problem is that in a typical conversation we mainly speak our language, and not necessarily the language of the person or people with whom we are trying to communicate. And no matter how much we talk, if we don’t speak the same language, we won’t find common ground or mutual understanding, and we won’t create desirable results. When Johnnie (my tech guy, business manager, and resident know-it-all) talks to me about tech stuff, he has to totally modify his language so that Mr. Technophobe Ignoramus (me) can understand what the heck he’s trying to tell me. He often says something to me on ‘Johnnie-Speak’ and I stare at him blankly.
The question I always ask myself every time I’m about to get involved in a meeting, confrontation, or general small talk is: “How do I need to communicate with this (specific) person so that they understand me, to understand them, and to maximize my chances of creating a good relationship?” result?”
Just as we don’t all respond optimally to the same diet, exercise plan, or lifestyle philosophy, neither do we all connect, understand, or respond well to the same communication style.
Yet that is what most of us do. We use the same communication style in a variety of settings, with a different group of people; different personalities, attitudes, backgrounds, beliefs and values. If I’m talking to a seventy-year-old woman about an exercise plan for her and I communicate with her the same way I would a twenty-year-old professional athlete, she’ll think I’m speaking a foreign language. I need to be able to communicate my thoughts and ideas by speaking your language, just as you need to periodically speak the language of your boss, child, spouse, parent, or neighbor to create a desirable outcome and experience meaningful communication. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak your mind, it means speak your mind, using language that is meaningful to that person.
Imagine if you were to write an article on weight loss today and use completely exaggerated scientific jargon and language in it. You wouldn’t be educated, motivated or inspired, you’d probably be confused and think I’m a great tool, because I don’t speak your language. Even if every word were true and relevant, it wouldn’t have the desired effect because there would be a lot of talking (okay, writing) but no real connection or communication. Without understanding.
Effective communication is about a few things:
1. Understanding: This is about genuinely trying to understand the other person and being understood (as opposed to shoving your thoughts down your throat and waiting a moment in the conversation). “Do I understand her and does she understand me?” If there is mutual understanding, there will be good communication.
2. Listen: Ironically, some of the best communicators don’t actually talk that much. Some people mistake verbal diarrhea for effective communication. We know that the vast majority of communication (93%) is nonverbal, so why do we feel compelled to talk so much? I’ve had many productive hour-long meetings with people where I’ve literally said fifty words, all the while talking nonstop.
3. Make an effort to understand the communication style of different people. Learn new languages. Years of working with a wide range of people have taught me that what will motivate one person (perhaps a verbal kick in the pants) can devastate and demotivate the next. Some need a bump around the head and some need an arm around the shoulder. Too bad I’m so good at head banging. Oh well, the arm around the shoulder is.
4. Invest emotionally. This simply means caring about the person you are communicating with. Taking care of what they think, feel, want, need, believe. If people sense that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say, you will create instant rapport and connection. You don’t need to ‘love’ or even agree with them, just respectfully consider their perspective.
Even with this article I get a wide range of responses to the same post/article; the same words. One person will be inspired, another will be enlightened, another will be challenged, another will be indifferent, and another will be offended. Why? Because I speak a language (communication style) to a group of different people who speak their own language and live in their own version of reality. This is one of the reasons why I frequently change the type of articles I write (educational, humorous, philosophical, motivational) and the style of communication I use (conversational, academic, incendiary, provocative).
So if one of your goals is to become more effective at work, at home, at school, in romance, in conflict, in business, in life, then maybe it’s time you learned another language and Master the ability to communicate. , instead of the habit of speaking.