5 stages of committed relationships

Have you ever wondered: Why is our relationship so difficult? Things were so perfect when we met, what happened? Most likely, the answer is that you have left the first stage of your relationship and moved on to another. But could it really be that easy?

Yes! Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time… but what many people don’t realize is that they tend to evolve in the same way. There are specific and defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome and new opportunities for growth. And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love, and intimacy, you will likely have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another. Take a look at the description of each phase. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Before you begin, you should know that most people experience these stages in this order and you will need to solve the challenges in each stage before you can successfully move on to the next. Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule. But for the most part, you can’t help but experience all of these stages if you want a healthy and satisfying relationship. Each couple will move through these stages at different speeds, and most people will experience each stage more than once; it is common for it to fluctuate from one stage to another.*

Ok, now that I’ve given you the basic information, let’s dig a little deeper…

Stage 1 – The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. They can’t get enough of each other. Neither of them can do anything wrong in the other’s eyes…mainly because they both continue to be on their best behavior. The focus at this stage is on common ground: you have so many common interests that you could practically be the same person! You show your partner the best of you and try to please the other as much as possible. Conflict is considered “bad” at this stage and is avoided at all costs. You can’t imagine living without this person, so start spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage where our defenses are lower, which allows you to open up and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation at this stage, so that your relationship can grow. There are biological effects too. When you’re in this stage, your body is producing huge amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive, and excited about everything in your life (this is that “head over heels” feeling!). This is the stage most represented in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Simply put, you are happier than ever and you can’t imagine feeling any different.

Stage 2 – The stage of disappointment

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage or the Reality Adjustment Phase. This is where you start to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). They get to know each other more and more, and as a result, begin to recognize their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations and you also become more relaxed. Since your body can’t continue to produce the same levels of endorphins it did in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to wane. Your partner’s outfit isn’t as cute as it used to be, but there’s still enough goodwill in the Romance Stage that you’re willing to overlook it. This stage can slowly begin to seep into your relationship, as you begin to see your partner for who they really are. Or sometimes it happens out of the blue, when there has been some kind of dishonesty or deception. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, as you just experienced so much openness and connection in the romance stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflicts with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 – The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or the Distress Stage. As the characteristics of the disillusionment phase intensify, they become increasingly difficult to manage. They will most likely start to drift away from each other at this stage. At this point, they both still believe that conflict is a “bad” thing, but are becoming more aware of their many differences. You struggle to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result, even small annoyances turn into big problems. This is the stage where unacceptable behavior is defined and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or uncaring, or worse yet, just can’t be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you can’t resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually acceptable way. Many couples get stuck at this stage, because this way of relating becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively, to communicate and work together as a team, although it is tempting to believe that your partner’s sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples find themselves in when they decide to separate or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all the landmines during this phase, they will go to…

Stage 4 – The stage of stability

This is a time of rest and peace, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or the Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never reach this stage, but the ones that do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection, and trust with their partner. They now have a history together, and most people begin to trust the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn’t perfect, but your personal differences aren’t as threatening as they used to be. You are able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you gain more trust in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss at this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they really are, as this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening feeling of friendship and commitment is a nice trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to reestablish your own outside interests and friendships, which were abandoned in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may start to drift away or get bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. In general, this is the stage where you finally start to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that less than 5% of couples reach this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage where both partners have a clear notion of who their partner is, flaws, weaknesses, and foibles galore…but make a conscious decision to be with this person despite all of those things (and in some cases… for those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you have chosen them, which means that the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you have reached this stage, you and your partner are a team. You truly love your partner and look out for their best interests as much as your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner’s clothing or character at this stage. They have collaborated to overcome many challenges together and have come to accept and support each other without restraint. Your vision of your relationship is consistent with who you are and what you both really want. You have discussed your future together – you have similar life goals and are encouraged to further define your relationship. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment at this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage where your relationship becomes a true partnership.