Information Stupor Highway

When my friend Kate, who, to prove it, is lovely and more than I deserve, signed me up on this site, I was really satisfied with myself. I felt big and smart because I had a little corner of the web that I could call my own, even if it was in a dim way. However, as so often happens, a thought has arisen and spoiled my little idyll.

I bought a blue hair dye the other day to go incognito with a group of old fascist women hell-bent on taking over the world.

Well that’s not true. To be honest, I saw a cricketer with bright blue hair once, and as much as I hated cricket, I thought it looked good.

So I finally managed to move on and noticed something. This hair color company has a website.

If you’re like me, you have to ask yourself why. To save you the trouble, I took a look.

Well let me tell you right away, viewing the site did not answer the question. I’ll give you a short summary of what’s on this site – a list of the various colors available. Some white silhouettes in the shape of a person with hair in those colors. Nothing more.

And, in this way, I have come to a conclusion. There are too many websites.

I have no objection to there being a diverse range of information sources available, but I think I need to draw a line on things like the hair dye debacle. In fact, I’m going to go further and suggest something radical:

There is too much pornography on the Internet.

I know, I know, this may sound harsh, but listen to me. The other day, I was looking at a file-sharing program to see if I could find interesting live music videos. I wrote “Clapton” and I swear to God one of the results was “Horny Teenage Lesbians Part 2.”

Now let’s be frank. If you’ve read this column before and you’re not my editor / therapist / other personality, you clearly have too much free time. Don’t feel bad, I feel empathy, I’m the one who writes this nonsense. However, take a moment of your time and try to find some link, any link, between a sixty-year-old English guitarist and horny teenage lesbians. Answers, if you please, to the usual address.

Also, since we’re on this topic, let’s stop kidding and get right to the point: no matter how many times porn sites include the word “free,” it really isn’t, and I, for one, am sick of it.

Sure, sure, there are guys who meet real women. Guys who have interesting lives and who are not surprisingly pale and blue-haired. Guys who, if asked to participate in a vigorous gym session in the bedroom, would not be horrified to be sterilized by 18 hours a day of computer radiation. (Sorry guys, but we are. Come on, check it out, I’ll wait).

For the rest of us, a group I sadly must include myself in, there are often few resources to tackle the problem on my own. Is it too much to ask some kind and lustful old benefactor to take pity and distribute free high-quality pornography to all of us? Maybe it does. Maybe there is fantastic porn waiting to be discovered, and it never will, because there are so many less expensive sites that clog the net like a lot of shaved pubic hair down a drain.

Alright, the analogy was a bit excessive, but you get my point.

I’m not saying I have the answers. I don’t know how we would implement an all-internet purge that leaves only the exciting and the useful, but I keep saying I’ve had worse ideas.

By the way, “Horny Teenage Lesbians Part 2” isn’t much. But there is a good video of “Wonderful Tonight” circulating …